It’s 8:30 a.m. and you ‘ve just planned your workday. Before hitting the first item on your to-do list, you casually check your email and see a high priority message from your boss. It includes a complex assignment that is due by day’s end. How do you most likely react?

1. Mentally curse your boss while immediately diving in to the assignment.
2. Think, “this could be a fun challenge” and go get coffee.
3. Re-examine your to-do list, project schedules, and calendar, wondering how to coordinate everything.
4. Begin by analyzing the assignment’s components and budgeting the maximum time for each.

The response you chose to the above likely correlates to your DISC style. A behavioral model ubiquitous in professional development and teambuilding efforts, DISC comprises four factors: Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, and Compliance. While we each have our own aggregate of the four, we tend to express one or two most strongly.

Let’s try one more question. In the same scenario, your boss calls an hour later to check in. What do you do?

1. Tell him you don’t have time to talk.
2. Express that this is a challenge but you were made for those.
3. Explain that you understand this is a priority and are working diligently on it.
4. Describe your concerns about being able to complete the assignment properly, given the short timeline.

If you chose number one as your answers to these questions, you probably score high in Dominance; if you chose the second options, you probably show Influence tendencies; the number three responses suggest Steadiness; and number four reflects the Compliance style. Here’s an overview of what each of the factors measures and what it looks like to be high in that area.

Dominance

Measures: how you respond to problems and challenges

Strengths: decisive, innovative, results-oriented, efficient

Limitations: impatient, critical, competitive, short-fused

Influence

Measures: how you influence people to your point of view

Strengths: motivational, enthusiastic, optimistic, outgoing

Limitations: impulsive, talkative, unrealistic, self-promoting

Steadiness

Measures: how you respond to change and pace yourself

Strengths: dependable, patient, accessible, systematic

Limitations: conflict avoidant, hesitant, change resistant, non-demonstrative

Compliance

Measures: how you respond to rules and procedures set by others

Strengths: accurate, conscientious, analytical, meticulous

Limitations: risk avoidant, indecisive, restrained, skeptical

Like other self-assessment tools (e.g., Meyers-Briggs, Emotional Quotient, LPI), DISC provides data that can be used for personal and professional development. In the case of DISC, which measures our typical, observable behavior, this offers many potential benefits:

• Increases awareness and appreciation of our behavioral strengths
• Shines light on our behavioral limitations
• Predicts how we may act under stress
• Expands our perspective of others’ behavioral styles
• Encourages intentional behavior that adapts to the situation

In other words, DISC assessment results help us understand when our natural way of behaving serves us well, when adapting to others will make us more effective, and how to do that.

If you haven’t taken a DISC assessment–ever, or in a long while–consider these DISC-style appeals:

• It’s fast and actionable (Dominance)
• You receive a report that’s all about you (Influence)
• You’ll learn how to use the DISC factors to work well with others (Steadiness)
• The quantitative data provides objective feedback in a validated framework (Compliant)

If you think DISC may be the right tool to help you leverage and adapt your behavior, give it a try.

How to Thrive: Review any past DISC or other behavioral assessment results you have. Identify one behavior to leverage and one to adapt. Give yourself a specific action and due date. If you don’t have any results, contact me or another assessment provider.

If you won the lottery, would you stop working?

How you answer this question depends in great part on how you think of your work. Is it a job? If so, you would probably quit if you could. If it’s a career, you may consider keeping it. If it’s a calling, you’re likely to hold on.

The difference? Jobs are work—functions we complete so that we can get something in return. We do them because we have to. They are necessary. (Unless, perhaps, we win the lottery.)

Careers carry a connotation of commitment. They’re things we strive for and care about beyond a paycheck. We choose careers thoughtfully and become emotionally invested in them.

And then there are callings. We use this term to describe professions that seem to be the result of a predisposed affinity or talent. Callings are for the fortunate among us who have found the job of their dreams.

Or are they?

According to Dr. Amy Wrzesniewski, a Yale professor of workplace identity and happiness, there’s good news for those who feel limited by a job or career: We can craft our current jobs to make them more meaningful. According to Wrzesniewski, challenging our existing job responsibilities, relationships, and views can help us experience work as more of a calling.

Tasks

While many transactions are essential to job responsibilities, taking a constructive view may help you identify areas where you can limit or expand the tasks expected of you or other people on your team. Perhaps you can distribute or delegate tasks to increase joy. Maybe non-traditional activities can be added to existing requirements or expectations.

Relationships

In addition to challenging our assumptions about what we have to do at work, we can increase satisfaction by looking at key relationships. Who do or don’t we want to work with? How can collaboration, through teamwork, mentoring, or coaching help us create a more meaningful work experience for us or others?

Cognition

The third area in which we can craft ideal jobs is our thinking. Sure, some people are lucky (and/or calculated) enough to land the job they’ve always wanted. But often it’s the story we tell ourselves about work that most influences how we experience it. Looking beyond seemingly unimportant tasks or relationships to how our roles impact others can be an effective way to perceive our job more meaningfully. Consider the benefits that you deliver and how those connect to something you value. And help colleagues do the same.

People who think of their jobs as callings are typically more satisfied with work—and life. They also make more engaged and productive employees. Strategically crafting our job descriptions and encouraging others can help us make work a richer experience—regardless of whether we win the lottery.

How to thrive: Look at the task, relationship, and cognitive aspects of your–or someone else’s–role. What changes might make it feel more meaningful? 

Earlier this month I visited a friend and former colleague. She’s a successful leader who recently relocated as part of a cross-country move. Like other thriving professionals, she is motivated, productive, collaborative, and fulfilled. But, if I had to name a single defining characteristic of her success, it would be her propensity to have fun. Through humor, play, and positive thinking she brings levity to the most mundane and miserable moments.

Now, “go have fun” may sound like a simplistic approach to professional success, but consider these points:

• People perform better when they are enjoying themselves.
• A playful perspective opens up possibilities and stimulates creativity.
• Happiness hormones increase memory function and motivation.
• Exuding joy energizes and inspires those around us.
• Workplace fun can reduce stress, fatigue, and boredom.

Here are some approaches to fun that have helped me or my clients be successful:

Switch it up

Novelty is fun. Changing the time, place, or way you do something can be enough to make it more enjoyable. Dim the lights, go to the office when it’s empty, sit on the floor, write in multi-colored pens.

Laugh

If you’ve ever flown on Southwest Airlines, you’ve probably experienced the positive impact that a little humor can have in an industry that is remarkably serious and tense. Southwest’s flight crew demonstrates that being funny can make the passenger experience more enjoyable—without sacrificing safety or efficiency. In fact, research suggests humor contributes to stronger cultures, higher creativity, and better negotiations.

Break a sweat

Adding physical activity to your day is a healthy way to release endorphins and increase joy. Turning a sitting meeting into a walking one, taking a break to hit golf balls, or listening to your favorite podcast while riding a stationary bike are great ways to be active while working.

Make it a party

Even the most un-fun tasks can be livened up. Papers to collate? Make it a race. An event to debrief? Turn it into a casual dinner. Chores to do? Pick out music and have a “cleaning party”. (While never eliciting excitement from my kids, this approach conveyed my commitment to make cleaning suck less and helped them keep a good attitude.)

Spread the joy

The enjoyment and benefits of having fun can multiply when shared with others. In fact, research shows that teams who engage in play together may experience increased trust, a sense of solidarity, a friendlier work atmosphere, and higher employee commitment to work, among other impacts.

Be strategic

Keep in mind that this post is about intentionally including fun in your work for the purpose of enhancing your success. If your enjoyment efforts hinder your professional goals, you are probably having too much fun to consider it work.

How to thrive: Conduct a fun-audit. Identify an area of your professional life where you have the potential to be more engaged, happy, and productive. Incorporate one of the strategies above. And have fun!

How do you respond to the idea of doing nothing? Does it feel like a passive state to which you easily default, happily surrendering your efforts to do? Or does it feel like an effort, a list of actions that must be completed before you are able to not do? In either case, doing nothing is something that’s essential for your personal and professional wellbeing.

As a leadership development expert, I write a lot about the importance of pursuing, changing, stretching, communicating, growing, and other “ing” words that can sound like a lot of work. I stand by this perspective. I also recognize the need to pause . . . and . . . just . . . breathe.

While delivering valuable results, our pursuits of accomplishment and self-improvement can exhaust our mental, emotional, and physical reserves. Ironically, our efforts to be better can actually make us feel worse.

Sometimes the solution to a suffocating workload is simply to do less. We may be able to breathe more easily by expelling tasks, extending deadlines, or eliminating expectations.

For high achievers and others not inclined to lower the bar, process is the solution. Intentionally balancing expending energy with replenishing reserves helps sustain successful journeys as well as destinations. We can keep our reserves full by taking time to breathe.

In a matter of seconds, a few deep breaths can stabilize heart rates, reduce anxiety, and clear the mind. If you notice that your breathing is shallow or that you feel flustered, take a moment to recalibrate. Sit upright in a chair with your feet flat on the ground. Close your eyes and take three slow, deep breaths.

Incorporating weekly activities aimed at mental, physical, or spiritual wellbeing can provide a routine of fresh air. Whether it’s through quiet meditation, a stroll in the woods, or intense exercise, make time to regularly connect with something beyond your thoughts.

Occasionally we want or need extended respite. At least once a year, try to carve out a trip or “staycation” away from ongoing responsibilities. The energy you can gain from a few days of breathing freely will help you accomplish, grow, and thrive.

How to thrive: Consider where you can benefit from taking more literal and figurative breaths. Incorporate some practices into your schedule and find a friend, coach, mentor, or app to hold yourself accountable.

Despite the credence of 360 reviews and the value generally ascribed to leaders who ask for, accept, and/or incorporate feedback, many of us unconsciously avoid or consciously steer clear from soliciting new perspectives. Sure, hearing how others experience you can feel uncomfortable—but it also provides invaluable opportunities to learn and grow.

How to Ask For Feedback

Confront reality

If you’re afraid of asking for feedback, consider the absolute worst-case scenario: you’re doing something that’s destructive to you and/or others—and you don’t know it! Getting feedback doesn’t change reality, it just expands your knowledge of it, giving you the power to change.

Explain your goal

To help others provide actionable feedback, it can be helpful to explain what you’re looking for. Explaining your leadership development goals or areas of uncertainty may put others at ease as well as direct their comments to the areas you find most useful.

Consider the timing

While it may be more helpful and satisfying to receive feedback in the moment, make sure you ask for it at a time that works for the other party. Set up your sources with enough time to be thoughtful and thorough. Provide a few days for colleagues to gather thoughts about a specific event or project, and budget a few weeks or more for more routine performance or leadership assessments. If you are savvy enough to survey your customers, make sure you give them a month or so to fit you in.

Consider anonymity

Transparent feedback offers the advantage of context as well as the opportunity to seek and offer clarification. While I’m a proponent for this approach in certain situations, it’s not always ideal. Since anonymity provides safety for stakeholders to speak their truth without consequence, it can yield more direct constructive feedback that, while occasionally stinging, tells you what you really need to know.

How to Receive Feedback

Consider it an opportunity to grow

While it feels good to get positive feedback, resist the urge to greet yours as only a feel-good exercise. Instead, look for affirmations of your existing behavior and ideas for modifications.

Listen to understand

If you are fortunate enough to have someone give you direct feedback in a conversation, use the richness of the medium to your advantage. Resist the urge to respond immediately. Instead, give your full attention, seek clarification, and encourage sharing. If you believe offering your perspective would be helpful to the other party, consider doing so. (Hint: being defensive doesn’t help.)

Take responsibility for your actions

Since we judge ourselves by our intentions and others judge us by our actions, feedback can sometimes feel inaccurate. Keep in mind that, while you might not agree with everything you hear, it reflects someone else’s experience of you—it’s up to you to decide what to do with it.

Express thanks

Make sure to show appreciation for the time and effort you responders dedicated to the process. Express your commitment to doing something with what you learned. And encourage the feedback to keep flowing.

How to thrive: Consider whose feedback could be valuable to your current performance or professional development. Create a plan for soliciting and incorporating their thoughts.

It’s feedback season in COMM-253 at RIT. And every student in the professional communication class is giving and receiving. This is my favorite time of the semester. Seeing honest praise and constructive criticism circulated thoughtfully makes me feel like the facilitator of a gift exchange. While I too am contributing thoughts and impressions, I am the clearinghouse through which all written feedback gets sorted, reviewed, and distributed. And a few thoughts hit me recurrently:

• These young adults give great feedback.
• What a valuable opportunity for them.
• The rest of us need more opportunities to learn from others’ perspectives.

While most of us hold no shortage of desires for others to change, when it comes to providing useful data to assist them in doing so, we shut down. Likewise, we share a universal desire to perform well, but often avoid soliciting or receiving ideas from others. When we embrace the process and do it effectively, we all benefit.

How to Embrace the Process

Telling someone what you think of them comes with uncertainty. So does asking others to share their thoughts about us. When we commit to that fear, our anxiety builds.

Worrying about the “what if?” can shut down our efforts. What if my boss fires me for telling her what I think? What if my colleague tells me I’m terrible at my job?

The antidote to the “what if?” sabotage is “how does?” This can help us look at the current reality (rather than our narrative about it) and consider how to make it better. How does my boss’ current behavior affect the team? How does my current understanding limit me?

Of course, wanting to give and receive feedback is not the same as knowing how to do it. The five pointers below will help you be effective at giving feedback. Next month, I’ll provide tips to help you ask for and receive feedback.

How to Give Feedback

1) Make sure the time is right

If someone asks you for feedback, you know that’s a good time for them. But make sure it’s a good time for you. Asking for some time to organize your thoughts shows that you are taking the request seriously. If not, giving feedback in immediate response to someone’s request, make sure they are ready for it. Ideally, they are not distracted or emotionally charged. If you’re not sure if the time is right, ask.

 2) Focus on future application

The point of feedback is to promote desired future behavior. Telling someone they did poorly or made a mistake is only helpful if there is something they can do differently next time.

3) Use “I” and “and”

Starting feedback with “You” is likely to trigger your recipient into fight or flight mode. Starting with “I” helps you avoid this reaction. It also gives you an opportunity to acknowledge your own contribution to the experience. I was confused by your presentation.

Using “and” instead of “but” can also make our feedback more effective. Think of this phrase: Your analytical skills are good, but. . . .  The “but” seems to discount what comes before it (the positive feedback) and emphasize what follows (the constructive feedback).

4) Be nonverbally responsive

Just as our verbal language is important, so are the messages we send nonverbally. Show that you are invested in the feedback process by mirroring body language, making eye contact, and listening actively.

5) Follow through

Even in response to the best feedback, changing behavior is a process. Following up with affirmation or clarification demonstrates your commitment to the process and provides an opportunity to lend support.

We can only thrive in who we are and what we do if we keep on learning. Feedback allows us to continue to grow beyond a classroom, and take lessons from things we already do everyday. It also allows us all to be teachers, as well as students.

How to thrive: Consider who could benefit from hearing your affirmative or constructive feedback. What recent or upcoming opportunity provides an opportunity for you to reflect your experience?

Sometimes we find ourselves in situations we’d prefer to escape. And we know that we will meet unsavory tasks and painful scenes in the future. While we can’t avoid this, we can change our response.

In any situation, the internal story we tell ourselves about what is happening can make things worse (think: “Ugh, this is too difficult.”) or better (think: “Yay, this is a new challenge.”) As authors of these narratives, we have the opportunity to eliminate story lines that don’t serve us well and create ones that do.

We create stories everyday. It’s part of how we find meaning in the world around us. When negative stories prevail, they rob us of strength and agency. That’s what happened to Gary.

Gary was frustrated. His hands gripped the air as he described a recent meeting with his boss.

“She thinks I don’t know what I’m doing, so she gives me all of the boring work. Whenever she does give me a challenging project, she constantly checks on me, waiting for me to fail. Then, when I do need help, she doesn’t return my messages. She just wants me to screw up so she can say ‘I told you so’.”

Challenged by his coach to separate what was in fact happening from what he thought was happening, Gary was able identify that:

• Gary was assigned both simple and challenging projects.
• His boss offered assistance when Gary was doing something difficult.
• Sometimes his boss did not immediately return his phone calls.

With this awareness, Gary created a new narrative: “I get to work on simple projects as well as challenging ones. When I work on challenging ones, help is available. Sometimes I don’t get a response from my boss as quickly as I would like, so I will let her know that and ask what I can do to improve her response rate.”

Of course, creating a helpful story doesn’t necessarily mean it will displace the familiar narratives that don’t serve us well. Like all skills, owning our stories takes practice. But, it gets easier with each new chapter.

How to thrive: Challenge negative thinking by discerning what is fact and what is fiction. Create a narrative that elicits desirable thoughts and feelings.

Much to the disappointment of the ambitious, we can’t do it all. So, the best way to set ourselves up for success is to make sure we’re doing the right things at the right time. Being mindful and evaluating our behavior helps us decide what’s most important so we can invest our resources beneficially.

Setting priorities and expectations serves us best when it is a fluid process. Life is unpredictable, and in many situations strength is not as important as flexibility. Resolutions serve as an effective starting point for our journey; as that journey progresses, we can check in with ourselves, adjust to obstacles, and change the path to success.

Consider this example:

Melinda wanted to improve her time management. Specifically, she wanted to accomplish everything on each day’s to-do list. As the CEO, Melinda had a lot of responsibilities. She was also the go-to person for many employees, whose interruptions sometimes frustrated her since they impeded her productivity. Everything on Melinda’s to-do list was important and she couldn’t get it all done.

Melinda tried several time management strategies but her efforts to prioritize her time proved ineffective. When she examined her beliefs and thoughts about the situation, she reached these conclusions:

1. Having an open door policy was essential to being the leader she wanted to be.
2. Some of the tasks on her list could be done by other people, but she didn’t trust them.
3. To get enough time for sleep, family and personal needs, she needed to limit her office time to 10 hours per day.
4. The work she assigned to herself had to get done.

These insights helped Melinda identify that her priorities to be accessible to her team and have enough time outside of work required her to do less. She had to lower the expectation she had set for herself. Since the work was essential, Melinda determined that she would need to delegate more of it to her subordinates. She planned time to explain the new responsibilities to each effected staff member as well as a time to follow up with them and make adjustments if needed.

In the above situation, Melinda’s goals were achieved after she looked beyond changing behavior to the underlying thoughts and beliefs that drove it.

What you can do thrive: Ask, “What is most important right now?” at various times during the year. Adjust your goals when your priorities shift and make your actions meaningful.

Photo by Renee Veniskey, Immagine Photography

For the past five years, my fall has been punctuated by the Rochester Women’s Network Summit leadership conference. As chair or co-chair, I have helped lead a small group of volunteers to plan and deliver the annual event. And, while each year brings its own successes, challenges and lessons, this year’s proved especially meaningful.

As might be expected, the committee’s planning process starts out very orderly and relaxed. Coordinators and team members are named to each subcommittee, timelines are established with no true sense of consequence, and everyone gushes good ideas and enthusiasm.

By our tenth and final month as a team, the committee has lost some members to other professional priorities, as well as gained a few new faces. Event-day volunteers are solicited and every team member adds a new hat (or two) of responsibilities. We reach out with requests to other RWN leaders, attendees, and suppliers; with each delegated task, we stretch responsibility further away from any central command.

The best plans made in January have limited impact on an event hosted in October. Ultimately, a breakout theme is only as powerful as the facilitator and participants who show up. Timelines and scripts are only as effective as those who choose to follow them. Awards, only as inspirational as those who receive them. And an event only as successful as the team that manages it.

I was especially aware of the team’s capabilities this year because I was plagued by my own limitations. Having sprained my back the day before, I attended this year’s Summit in a sleepless, pain-filled, medicated haze. And, while I knew that my role as event chair could be assumed by others, it wasn’t until I (uncomfortably) sat back and observed that I appreciated how effective the team was. I marveled at each woman’s motivation, capability and personal ownership. Independent and self-determined, each had chosen to dedicate her time and energy to the event. Though nothing beyond their word bound them to that responsibility, they managed the day with unwavering commitment.

What I realized this year is that project planning and management get us prepared for the big day. But when it arrives, the event’s fate is in the hands of the people delivering and attending it. And while this sounds scary and difficult to manage—because it is scary and difficult to manage–it is also beautifully, imperfectly perfect. The Summit, after all, is a leadership conference. What better way to validate its purpose than by having it successfully delivered by a coalition of leaders.

The iMessage popped onto my screen on a Thursday morning.

“I got laid off. I’m at AT&T getting a new phone.”

“Are you kidding?” I asked, desperate for an alternative truth.

“No.”

This was not our first rodeo, so I knew the initial steps:

• Get a personal cell phone
• Update friends and family
• File for unemployment
• Transfer health insurance
• Cancel the cleaning lady
• Start networking

Of course the logistics are easy to plan, and fairly easy to implement. Like most changes and challenges, a job loss can be confronted with a to-do list, but it takes more than checkmarks to turn it into an opportunity. The way we approach, plan, play, and collaborate defines how successfully we navigate major transitions.

Find a positive perspective

It was hard to resist looking at this layoff as the most difficult yet. This time around, I owned my own business. Kal’s job had provided the stability in our household. We had relied on his employer to supplement our health insurance and 401K. We had become accustomed to the reliability of bi-weekly deposits into our checking account. We had taken for granted our ability to easily get a low-interest loan.

But being a business owner also made some things easier. We had become accustomed to the financial uncertainty that defines entrepreneurship, so our threshold for money-related stress had become relatively high. And between clients, community leaders, collaborators, and networking acquaintances, I had grown an expansive network of colleagues who were now potential employment resources.

Thoughtfully consider options and decisions

In working and non-working worlds alike, things often move slower than we would like. We can let this drive us crazy (the easy but not very rewarding approach) or we can take a breath and embrace the mystery of progress.

If we open ourselves up to explore and ponder possibilities, we are likely to discover outcomes we hadn’t considered. Unless we are sure that the quickest solution will align with our long-term goals, we will likely benefit from avoiding the easy way out. Kal—who is not typically described as patient—diligently explored options before deciding on his ideal opportunity.

Almost anyone can find a replacement for what is lost or taken away. And while the temptation to jump back in before the impacts accumulate, the successful person who is between opportunities takes his time to explore and clarify what he really wants to do. This includes determining what success looks like and then evaluating potential opportunities based on those metrics. (Score another point for Kal.)

Enjoy the present

Carpe diem should be easy when you have 40-50 hours of discretionary time added to your schedule. Sadly, the stress of losing a job or other unwelcome transition tends to weigh us down rather than lighten us up. We may embody a sense of dire urgency to “get through this”, or feel depressed and do nothing.

When a loss of income is involved, it’s easy to use money as an excuse to avoid fun activities. It may require creativity, but there is almost always enough time and money to do something enjoyable. This summer, we had a great time with these “staycationing” activities: camping, museum visits, hikes, swimming, cooking, Netflix binge watching. If money isn’t the obstacle to fun, time probably is. It’s rare that someone clears our calendar for us, so it’s up to us to take the initiative

Ask for—and accept—help

As a connector-collaborator type, I am eager to help others find and pursue opportunities that may benefit them. I enjoy introducing synergistic professionals and potential friends. When I see a need, my natural inclination is to help address it.

But when it comes to asking others to do direct these types of efforts toward me (or my husband), I have to push myself to do it. Even with the confidence that I would happily do it for others, I find it unsettling to ask for introductions, meetings, feedback. But I did it. In Kal’s case, his offer came from someone in his network, not mine. But some of the people I connected him with helped him know this was the right path for him.

Thank you to everyone who helped through this transition. It was enlightening and character-building. It was also painful. But sometimes that’s how growth starts.